It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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