The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
