quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
