I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I think I sprained my soul last night
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
