Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Randomize
