Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Randomize
