hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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