I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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