I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
