Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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