maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I had to cum in my sink.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
