bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
