i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
