Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Randomize
