someone threw a dead crab at me
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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