Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
