dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
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