I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
