Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Randomize
