my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
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