I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
Terrible idea I love it
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
we should paint friendship bongs
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