am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
