god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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