I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
