please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
