ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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