TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I need moral support for this bender
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
