My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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