I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
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