Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
You need a sexual gate keeper
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
So much Jack, so little girl.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Randomize
