He disabled his match.com account in front of me
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
