I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
