I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Randomize
