he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
