Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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