I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
