stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
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