I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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