jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
apparently the secret to your success is patron
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
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