So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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