3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Randomize
