Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
