I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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