I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Randomize
