I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
