i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
