dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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