you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
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