fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
