Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Randomize
