dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
